Steven Wright - “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

Various things have come together in my life to make this year a particular challenge. 

We have had random major expenses throughout this year, from both of our cars breaking down, to the BF being hospitalized to my food budget tripling. My dominant emotion this year has been worried, this has caused a ripple effect throughout all facets of my life.

My relationship with my mother suffered. I often describe my mother as a hypochondriac with a chronic disease. What I mean by this is that she does have a disease, but she uses it as a crutch to get attention. If you read through her 4 inch thick medical file, you will find more than a few recommendations for psychiatric evaluation because of this. I don't think that anyone else in my family (even my father) knows this besides the BF and myself. Everyone else gives her the attention she craves and I get described as "cold". When I am under stress I simply cannot deal with her drama, especially since she engages in behaviour that would be described as "self harming". Getting calls at 2am because she thinks shes having a heart attack after yet another drug reaction has seriously undermined my abilty to give a shit.

We started out the year stuck in my parents house with my mother, as we had rented out our apartment and she was supposed to be living abroad with my father for another 2 months. I eventally had to ask our tenant to leave early because tensions between my mother and the BF had gotten to toxic levels. We didn't leave soon enough and my mother ended up picking a fight with the BF that at that stage he was only too happy to finish. Of course this ended in my mother in hysterics and telling me that he wasn't good enough for me. I ended up sitting her down and telling her to act like an adult. She didn't speak to me for quite some time after that.

The Bf and I have had the most serious problems in our relationship this year. There were a few times this year when I was making a minute by minute choice if to stay or go. I don't know if it was the same with him, but I suspect it was. 

I don't know which came first, the problems, or the depression, but I have found myself wrestling with mild depression again, for the first time in a decade. I remember these feelings, these toxic thoughts. I was never bad enough to be medicated, but it is a constant fight. I find myself obsessing over my mental health (Am I slow today because I didn't sleep well? Am I sad because of that story I read, or is this abnormal ?) and pushing everything else to the side, which means that the depression wins. My jobs, my love life, everything suffers. I haven't discussed my depression with the BF at all. I don't want him to compare (even in his head) the paralells between my mother and myself. That would just break my heart.

I know that the depression has been able to gain a foothold because my self-esteem and self image has been dealt a blow. I quit smoking two months ago and have packed another 20 lbs onto an already obese frame. I can no longer pretend that I am anything other than disgustingly fat. And yet, I can't stop shoving crap in my mouth constantly. To say that I have an "addictive personality" is a joke. I am the definition of addictive personality, I've just traded ciggarettes for a wildly innappropraite diet. 

Still, there is light at the end of this particular tunnel. I am gradually applying what little control I do have onto myself. I am slooooowly learning to cook, instead of buying take out every damn day. I have cut my coca-cola drinking to 20 oz a day instead of the 2 litres I was up to.

Baby steps, but damn it, that's about all that I am capable of right now.