I think of myself as a really good actress, and I must be, to fool the people who trust me to be an adult. If they only knew...
I'm the person who runs through her house 5 mins before the housekeeper comes, desperately trying to hide the fact that I live like a total slob.
I'm the person who makes up detailed stories in her head about a book (that I would love to write and never will) and acts them out in my living room, usually with the song that insipred the scene blaring on my radio or computer speakers. ("Teardrop" by Massive Attack is my new fav, btw.)
I'm the person who would rather stay at home, than go out and deal with the whole "I'm available and so are you" scene. That's why I make myself go out and be sociable.
I'm the person who's been approached twice in recent weeks for no-strings-attached sex. My inner hellion had a little fantasy about one of them, my more rational side said "you jiggle when you walk, at least fuck someone who's not going to laugh at you when you strip".
I'm the person who talks a good game, but can't bring it. I don't know how to flirt!!! My inner hellion evaporated when I had the ex in bed. I was all "lie back and think of England" when he was expecting a partner who actually, you know..... moved ???
I'm trying my best over here, falking it for all I'm worth. Trying to convince myself that I am worthy of love, worthy of being desired by another person.
Worthy of being a functional adult. With my hellion streak and all....
In keeping with this theme; I was called "Ma'm" the other day and spent a good few seconds wondering who they were refering to, before I realised it was Me. I ended up giggling to myself as I drove off with Prodigy's #1's blaring from the speakers of my car.
I mean, I just got a belly piercing!! Is that something that an adult would do ?? Somehow I think not..
...unless they were really cool ;)
5 comments:
Two months after Liv was born, she caught a virus and I had to take her to the pediatrician. They were explaining to me how to give her the medicine and I kept thinking, "God, can I be trusted to do this?"
I had been practicing medically for years, but taking care of an infant seemed like just too much to me.
And yes, you are worthy. Jiggles and all. Just think of dealing with ALL of you as the price of admission into your presence.
I pierced my nipples at 29
my belly button at 33/32
did an industrial at the same time
There is no age limit on piercings/tattoos
Girl I am soo wanting to get my nipples pierced and I also want a inner labia one as well.
The belly piercing is taking forever to heal, and I am quickly getting frustrated with it, but I'm sticking with it!
I also have a tatoo all picked out for my cousin to do when I go to England (hopefully next year).
You know I was so distracted by the closing statement I did not deal with the other aspects of the post.
I know exactly how you feel about yourself, I have the same feelings all the time...someone entrusted me with a child/how do I handle my job/friends (don't feel like going out) husband (poor thing), associates. My housekeeping skills are just barely there I would say null and void but its not that bad and for all intents and purposes I'm an adult.
I don't think anyone ever feels all 'together' or even are totally confident in their abilities, but we are you know, we really are. As for being attractive and issue of jiggles...don't sweat the small stuff (jiggles) if they propositioned means that they liked what they saw and wanted to see more. Men don't always want the waifs they sometimes want some meat.
I could go on but...I know you'll work it out, i have faith in you and your abilities
Oh I got my tattoo at 34
Heh, yeah the
"Somehow I think not..
...unless they were really cool ;)"
Was my nod to the piercings/tatoos that I will eventually have.
I'm getting that overhwelmed feeling a little less these days, but it's still there waiting to bite me on the ass if I stop moving.
I just have to keep plugging along...
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