Fat Girl Walking

Me.

2010-04-26T16:09:00.000-07:00

I've had the most amazing year. I still have moments of painfull self-examination, but these are about the person I am now, not the person that I shed around this time last year. I am mentally and physically healthier than I have ever been in my life. I even have a very interested and interesting young man pursuing me. It is about obviously more than an imploding relationship, but this poem on the Ambulance Driver blog perfectly encapsulates my experience:

Invictus, by William Ernest Henley:

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Mea Culpa

2010-02-22T20:06:00.000-08:00

I am a Very Bad, No Good Blogger.

I'm still alive and very, verrrrrrry Busy.

Between Hashing, Karate and everything else, I just drop when I reach home. The last thing I want to do is struggle to write something meaningful and witty.

I'm fine and quite happy, see yall round when I have more time on my hands.

Happy New Year!

2009-12-31T23:07:00.000-08:00

No I'm not dead, I just got slammed with work related stuff for the past few weeks.

Work sucks hairy monkey balls and I need a new job.

Fatgirl out.

Cause I Care!

2009-12-09T18:32:00.000-08:00

When THE most Epic Christmas rant in the History of, well...HISTORY is written.

I will cheer and start sharing out the alcohol (while encouraging everyone to get shitfaced.)

Merry Freakin Christmas Bitches.

Eyetwitch

2009-12-09T17:59:00.000-08:00

The Overcaller called me this evening at 9:30pm.

I have no idea WHY I answered the goddammed phone.

We've changed our guard schedule in the last week. The Psycho-Bitch wanted to know exactly how much we are paying the guards. Welll since they are paid every 2 weeks and that means I haven't done payroll as yet, I don't have a very good idea how much they are being paid exactly.
Also, since you are calling me at 9:30 in the fucking NIGHT, I don't have the schedule infront of me so that I can work it out.

The Overcaller went nuts, and not a funny nuts. She used this as an excuse to shit on me from a height and tell me that I am incompetent. REPEATEDLY.

If she was infront of me I would have gone at her. I was literally shaking with adrenaline, especially when she told me, "Well I hope you know how much YOU are getting paid."

Why yes, I know how much I get paid. I am paid by the month and not by the hour, so it's pretty easy to work out.

I was damn near in tears of frustration by the end of the conversation. I then called my parents to tell them that I was DUN. Done with dealing with this Creature.

In my venting I said "I don't care if I have to move back in with yall, I am not taking this shit anymore."

Well Dad then said, "I don't know if you realise it, but you're making a very good salary and it's just one woman out of how many."

Yeah Dad, but she more than makes up for the kind words everyone else has for me. It's really hard to remember the compliments when Pscho-Bitch is screaming in my ear about how she finds it so very funny that I'm the "Manager" and I "just have nooo clue how much we are spending on salaries."

I mean God I know I'm an adult and I have to be responsible and all, but I've been with this job for 4 1/2 years now, it's not like I am ditching it after a month cause it's too hard or something.

The Psycho isn't going to go away and either her or her husband WILL be on the Board within the next few months.

I think that's enough abuse for anyone.

Edited to say:

I checked my e-mail last night and realized that she, her husband and the other residents who were in that "meeting" had all been e-mailed the schedule since last week. They had the information and thus had no need to call me.

Her husband called me this morning at 7:48 asking me for the information. I gave it to them. I was then informed that they want to hire back a guard who had quit without notice. I was to come to a meeting this afternoon at 2pm in order to offer him a "package" to get him back.

Thanks ever so much, you're now going to make me hire someone who had walked off for more money than my other crew are getting ? My crew stuck with me, agreed to take a cut in pay, and have communicated their concerns with me. I have been working with them to resole their issues. I don't care how good you think this guy is, I have much more respect for the guys who continued working.

Bless you Anbesol

2009-12-07T16:27:00.000-08:00

A big shout out to my parents who between them have managed to breed the weakest teeth in the world, all of which reside in my mouth.

My dentist is going to have a cushy retirement on the amount of money I spend just avoiding pain every few months.

This month is going to be a triple whammy.

-I've already had to go and replace 3/4 of a tooth that disintegrated while eating a hops and ham ($610).

-I have another appointment on the 15th to replace half of another tooth (probably another $400).

Aaaaaand for the bonus round, I'm currently brewing up a lovely gum infection around one of my molars, which WILL require;

- X-ray ($150) to determine that it isn't a cracked root

- and then blessed antibiotics ($250).

Not being in pain = Fucking Priceless.

Pass the Anbesol, I'm gonna go cry in the corner until it takes effect.

To my new Neighbour..

2009-12-05T22:13:00.000-08:00

you obviously have never lived in an apartment. This is evident by your loud conversations. Your window is a maximum of 6 feet away from mine. I can hear everything. I really didn't need to know about your "issues" with your outside woman.

That is all.

Sorrel - Part 2

2009-12-01T07:42:00.000-08:00

Based on various recipes and incantations, I left the sorrel to steep overnight in the (covered ) pressure cooker after boiling the heck out of it.

This might have been a mistake.

When I finally cracked the lid this morning, instead of being lightly scented with spice, near visible waves of cinnamon with only a hint of sorrel rolled through my kitchen.
I'm not really a fan of cinnamon, so this is quite disconcerting for someone with gallons of cinnamonnnyyy goodness now in residence.

In addition to this Faux Pas, I had intended to use the Glycemic friendly sugar substitute Splenda to sweeten said potion.

This made it taste like a plastic christmas candle.( A plastic christmas candle manufactured in a place where the foreman, who we will call Bob,( but could easily be 鲍步) gestures to the 50 gallon drums behind him, all conspicuously marked with "Artifical Cinnamon Scent" and "Contains .5% Actual Cinnamon!!!" and tells Fred/弗雷德里克 ( the long suffering factory worker) "It's as Good as the Real Thing, maybe even Better!!", to which Fred rolls his eyes and privately thanks his lucky stars that this shit is for Export Only as the Christmas purists round his parts would hang him from the ankles and beat him with poinsettia garlands if they dared sell it here.)

The sorrel was swiftly rescued by the addition of approx. 2 lbs of sugar.

So went the first ever brewing of sorrel in Casa de Fat Girl.

I am having a cigarette.

Christmas Coming!!!

2009-11-30T17:37:00.000-08:00

Ohhh SHiiiiiiiiT !!!

2009-11-25T08:16:00.000-08:00

I decided to start taking Metformin again as part of my ongoing effort to get my PCOS under control and lose some more weight.

Did I do as the directions on the box stated and start with a half tab once a day and then gradually up the dose ?

No, I didn't.

Epic Fail on my part.

The rumblings from my gut are approaching Jet Engine decibel levels.

Pray for me!

Muppets + Bohemian Rhapsody = SQUEEEEEeee

2009-11-24T20:20:00.000-08:00

Frustration

2009-11-24T09:33:00.000-08:00

I love my jobs, except when I don't.

This is another of the don't times.

A whole host of issues affects one of my jobs. It starts with a disorganized, apathetic board, continues on into the land of "I have a $4M house, but I can't afford a $1,500 monthly maint. fee" and lands sqaurely in my lap.

I have tried to bring these things to the attention of my board for the last few years. These are NOT new problems, these are issues that I have been slogging in the trenches with the ENTIRE time I have been at this job.

I try to give a flying fuck, I really do, but when You. Yes, You, the Board Member who occasionally gets a bug up his ass and tries to fix everything overnight, wants to call an "Emergency Meeting" this Saturday afternoon at 1pm (thus fucking up my plans to go Hashing)....

Well lets just say some creative cursing of your ancestors took place.

I am getting to the point where I am going to start looking for a new position.

Here's a Big Fat Hint

2009-11-19T14:20:00.001-08:00

I'm a property manager. I'm the person who gets called when there is a problem. I enjoy what I do.

Mostly.

One individual has caused me more grief than all the others combined and multiplied X100. I have new rules for her, here they are;

- If you consistently call me after 4pm with NON-EMERGENCY complaints.

-If you are verbally abusive to me and say things like "You don't care about (us) because you don't live here" when you call me after 4pm every god-dammed day.

Then here's what happens in My World;

- You will leave a fucking message.

- I will check the message and decide based on the contents of the message, what my course of action will be.

- If you leave a message that says "Call me back OMG !111!!!" you will not be getting a call back this evening as you have not outlined an EMERGENCY.

-These rules apply to you and you alone. They do not apply to your husband or any of the other residents. This is because they have demonstrated good phone etiquette, which you have consistently failed to do.

That is all.

Fat Girl Out.

In honour of the Virii currently kicking my ass...

2009-11-18T15:37:00.001-08:00

I LOL'D

2009-11-16T07:33:00.000-08:00

Geek Logic

2009-10-19T06:16:00.000-07:00

Bless XKCD for saying exactly what geeks worldwide already know..

Monty Python Strikes Again!!

2009-10-15T11:31:00.001-07:00

I fell in love with Monty Python back when "Are you Being Served" and "Fawlty Towers" was on TV. Here's Eric Idle doing what he does best!!

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

Yet ANOTHER Awesome Wedding Entrance!

2009-10-11T09:59:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I keep finding these awesome wedding entrance videos, but here's another one that encapsulates what I think a bride should feel like on her big day.

SQUEEEEEEEE!!!

2009-10-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

Six months ago, I was rushing around trying to buy a birthday card for my father. I was browsing around the card store when I saw this tiny little print of a painting. I had to look at it for a few seconds to figure out what had caught my eye. There, in amongst the stalks of plants in the print, was this little Red Snake.
I fell in love with it and bought it on the spot, even though it was expensive for a print.
Three months ago, I looked up the artist and found out that he lives and works in Trinidad and that he has a web-site.
Browsing around his site, I saw the painting "Red Snake" was listed as "available".
I instantly shot off an e-mail to the artist, Wulf Gerstenmaier. He wrote back immediately and told me that, unfortunately, the painting had been sold.
I wasn't surprised, but thanked him for his reply.

Last week, I got another e-mail from Mr. Gerstenmaier, letting me know that the painting had been mistakenly listed as sold and was I still interested ?

After jumping up and down for a few seconds, I shot off an e-mail;

Dear Mr. Gerstenmaier,

YES ! I am very interested, how much is it ?

He wrote back the next day letting me know the dimensions, and the fact that the painting is for sale for *DUN* *DUN* *DUN* Six Thousand Dollars!!

*Gulp*

I thought about it for a few days. There is no way that I can afford to buy the painting outright. Will he be offended if I ask to pay on terms ??

I finally bit the bullet and called him. After gushing about the painting for a few sentences and apologizing about taking so long to call him back. I asked him.

And he said, "No Problem, you come see it. I will keep it until you've paid it off".

Soo, this little beauty will eventually be MINE.

MUAHHAHAHAAH!!!

Are you Fucking Kidding Me ?? - The Facebook Song

2009-10-07T09:27:00.001-07:00

Pure AWESOME!!

Linky Luuurv - Purple Prose Edition

2009-10-07T07:56:00.000-07:00

I am dragging my ass this morning. So instead of writing something with, yuh know, actual content?

...Here's some more linky lurrrv.

Courtesy of your friendly neighbourhood Wiki entry, the definition of "Purple Prose" is this;

"A term of literary criticism used to describe passages, or sometimes entire literary works, written in prose so overly extravagant, ornate, or flowery as to break the flow and draw attention to itself. Purple prose is sensually evocative beyond the requirements of its context. It also refers to writing that employs certain rhetorical effects such as exaggerated sentiment or pathos in an attempt to manipulate a reader's response."

I think that definition was written after someone read this.

Here my dears, is where it takes a turn for the truly odd.

Someone made a video, ".... which frantically attempts to keep track of the imagery, accompanied by a dramatic reading.

You're Welcome :)

Linky Luurv - Hogwarts Edition!!

2009-10-04T13:59:00.000-07:00

Third World Stupidity - TTPOST Edition

2009-10-02T08:11:00.000-07:00

So, you live in Trinidad.

This means that on the odd occasion you might want to purchase something that;

a) just isn't available in the country, or

b) is so friggin expensive locally that it is infact cheaper for you to purchase said item online and pay up to three times the purchase price to get it shipped to you.

Enter TTPOST. The Trini answer to the US Postal Service. Complete with glossy adverts about how efficient and easy it is to ship with them.

Needless to say, they offer more than one service to ship from the US to Trinidad. One is the regular parcel post and the other is the very quick SkyBox option. Skybox allows you to ship to a US address and TTPOST takes over from there.

Enter Fat Girl Walking, who wants to ship a bulky package from the States to Trinidad and isn't interested in turning over her first born child for the privilege. She looks at the estimated shipping charges for the SkyBox option and almost falls on the floor laughing.

Regular Parcel Post it is!

This particular package proceeded on its way to Trinidad via USPS Priority and because of the very thoughtfully supplied Tracking Number, Fat Girl Walking was able to see that it left Miami a week ago.

TTPOST, bless their friggin hearts has the stupidest protocol for collecting your package. Instead of sayyy calling you up to let you know that your package has arrived, they instead receive your package at the Post Office and then MAIL you a teeny little slip of paper letting you know that it has arrived.

You CAN'T collect your package without that teeny little slip of paper.

This means that Fat Girl Walking has been checking her mailbox numerous times every day for the last week in the most OCD manner possible.

Fat Girl Walking finally hit her limit this morning when the post lady passed and still had NOTHING.

So, she called up TTPOST and asked about the package... Remember ? The package that LEFT the US a WEEK AGO ???!!!!

Well that package, and if I might quote the lovely TTPOST lady, "Arrive in Trinidad today and yuh will have to wait for us tuh send yuh de notification, an dat will take a nex week."

Will someone PLEASE explain to me how In This Day and Age a package takes an entire week to travel from Miami to Trinidad ?

Did they send it by boat ?

Messenger Pigeon ?

Also, while you are trying to wrap your head around that one...WHYYYY do I have to wait another week after it has arrived at my local Post Office to receive that goddammed little slip of paper that carries no more information than my address and how much I have to pay to liberate said package from the Post Office ??

Is it that they are trying to push their SkyBox option ? Does the non-SkyBox mail just sit in a warehouse for a bit, twiddling its thumbs, until word comes down from on high that it can proceed on its way ??

EPIC FAIL TTPOST.

Truly Third World Stupidity at its Best.

It's the End of the World as We Know It

2009-10-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

I saw this Ted Talk a few months ago. It is absolutely disturbing to me how Laurie Garrett and her "Lessons from the 1918 flu" was able to predict the process of the H1N1 flu and the horribly ineffective steps that are being taken.
This article from ScienceNews scares the pants off of me as Ms. Garrett descibed exactly this result from widespread use of the vaccine.

Sorry Maria, I just can't resist !!!

2009-10-01T20:34:00.000-07:00

Epic Twilight Mockery

2009-10-01T07:30:00.000-07:00

Video Games - E3 2009 - Attack of the Show

Words cannot explain..

2009-09-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

..the utter JOY involved in;

-waking up late
-jumping in the shower while brushing my teeth (cause yes I am that late)
-pulling on clothes frantically
-deciding that fuckitall it DOES NOT MATTER if they MATCH goddammitalltohell
-grabbing my bag
-flying out the front door
-banging my funny bone on my car door
-finally getting into the car
-putting the key in the ignition

only to hear;

*CLACK* *CLACK* *CLACK* and the lights on the dash winking out.

I tell you, if I didn't laugh I would be crying.

Just about all I have to say on US Politics..

2009-09-26T09:07:00.000-07:00

Courtsey of Pundit Kitchen.

Find A Happy Place

2009-09-25T23:13:00.000-07:00

Courtsey of the ever fabulous Ambulance Driver, comes a story of Animal Magnetism...in spades!!

Linky Lurrrvvvv!!

2009-09-23T12:25:00.000-07:00

So I swear I'm not doing this on purpose! I just seem to be finding the most hilarious things on the 'Net over the last few days.

My new fav is Kontraband's "Political Pictographs" as told by those little model men from bathroom doors. It's decidedly NSFW, you've been warned!

Here's "Hedonism" just to give you a taste!

I swear I'm going to thumbtack this to their HEADS!!

2009-09-18T17:30:00.000-07:00

GGGrrrrrrrrrrrrr

2009-09-18T06:40:00.000-07:00

I was bouncing around on the 'net and came across www.cracked.com's list of the 10 most obnoxious cell phone callers:

Dear God in heaven they are talking about things that drive me totally bugfuck.

I wish some of my residents would print out the list and keep it next to their phones, it would seriously cut down on the amount of times I have attempted to strangle my phone while listening to bullshit messages.

This one caught my eye because of the antics of one particularly useless woman whose motto is "the squeaky wheel gets the grease". I have been wanting to reply "and the empty barrel makes the most noise" for quite some time now.

.
The Overcaller

You can forget about ever having 45 minutes to yourself these days, because the Overcaller is going to rain a torrent of calls upon you for the better part of the afternoon. Overcallers have taken the concept of "redial" beyond several levels, and those several levels were: "annoy," "pester," "badger," "harass," "torment" and "torture." Sometimes they'll leave messages, and on other calls they won't, but either way it won't matter.

Which is even more annoying than these dickbags.

When you finally attempt to check your five new messages to discover what could possibly be so urgent, the Overcaller will interrupt you by calling yet again on the other line. After switching over you will be subjected to a familiar DEFCON 1 apeshit greeting: "Oh my god, where have you been?!" Such behavior would be acceptable if there were ever an actual emergency. But the Overcaller habitually calls in frenzied bursts for the most frivolous matters. Worse still, after they've already left a message, the Overcaller will occasionally leave an additional message that says nothing but "Hey, I already called and left a message, but here's another one just to let you know that I still want to talk to you." Messages about messages about messages. God. Damn.

Why They Do This:

The Overcaller is almost forgivable because, at the end of the day, they're just very focused to the point of single-minded intensity. They know they want to talk to you about something (bullshit, we presume) (FGW in : every blasted time!!!), and they can't really think about anything else until they do. They can't get to their next item on their mental "To Do" list until "Yammer like an idiot to my friend" is crossed off. That's why they call every 30 seconds. What else would they do?

Alternate Explanation:

They are calling about something illegal in progress.

What They'll Never Understand:

Many times the "squeaky wheel" is just "damaged" and eventually "scrapped." <---I laughed so hard when I saw this! Oh, cracked, you made my day !!

Fear is the Mind Killer..

2009-09-07T13:09:00.001-07:00

Hashing with POSH3

2009-08-23T09:56:00.000-07:00

Hashing is....

Lord, how do I even explain it?

Here's the Wiki link explaining the whole insane concept.

I run with the Port of Spain Hash House Harriers, abbreviated to POSH3, their link Here. We run every other Saturday all over Trinidad.

It's not for the faint of heart, and I LOVE it.

I get very upset when I miss a hash. That feeling of OMG I DID THAT !!??? is damn addictive.

And we all know that I have an addictive personality.

Yesterday was the first time that I wasn't dead friggin last coming in.

I was soaking with sweat, covered to the shins in Cow Poo Scented Mud and.it.was.GREAT!

The Glycemic Index Diet & Metformin

2009-08-21T07:58:00.000-07:00

Since I was diagnosed with PCOS I've been telling all my friends online and irl to get checked out.

Think about yourself for a minute. What does your body shape look like ?

Do you have that "Pear" shape, you know...hips and a paunch? Do you fight to lose a lb. turn around twice and it (along with several of its friends) are now parked on your stomach??

Chances are you're Insulin Resistant.

If you've been slaving away in the gym and......

it.just.isn't.coming.off.GODDAMMIT!!!

Well that isn't normal.

It's normal for women with PCOS and Insulin Resistance.

As I posted previously, no one really knows which comes first, the Insulin Resistance or the PCOS, but does it really matter ?

It can be treated.

I can only tell you what works for me. It may not work for you, but dammit, you have to start somewhere...

In my opinion Diet is the most important part of the process. It does you no good to start taking Metformin if you're ploughing through carbs and sugar like there is no tommorow.

Carbohydrates are turned into sugar by the body.

If you're suffering from PCOS or Insulin Reisitance your body can't manage the sugar spikes that come from eating carbs and sugar. Your blood sugar goes up and your body gets signals that say "AHA, This Gets Turned Into FAT Now !!!

To stop this cycle you need to eat like a diabetic.

The Glycemic Index was originally devloped to help diabetics choose foods that didn't cause harmful blood sugar spikes. It's just a list of foods and how quickly they are turned into sugar by your body.

The Glycemic Index Diet uses the Glycemic Index list to develop a diet that is;

1) Balanced

2) Evens out your Blood Sugar

By evening out the peaks of your blood sugar, your body doesn't get those chemical signals that tells it to pack fat on. It is theorized that evening out the valleys prevents those cravings for carbs that happen when your blood sugar is low.

I went on a reduced calorie GI Diet. I was restriced to 1,300 calories a day. I honestly didn't even count calories as I was provided with a list of things I could eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

All I had to do was write down what I had eaten and when. I was councelled not to let myself get hungry. Of course with my hectic schedule, this wasn't always possible. So I also wrote down if I felt hungry and what time.

My dietician worked with me to find out what works. If I get fed up eating a particular food, I pick up the phone and ask for an alternative. I don't make it a problem.

If I cheat, I don't use it as and excuse to chuck the baby out with the bathwater. I just stick to the diet for the rest of the day.

I eventually started forgetting to take my Metformin. I've also not stuck to my diet except in the most general principles. For example, I don't eat bread/soda/sugar.

I'm down 34 lbs in 8 months.

I am still losing weight

That counts as a win in my book.

Fake it till you make it.

2009-08-14T03:46:00.002-07:00

Some days I wonder how I could be expected to take care of myself, far less be trusted to be a responsible adult-type person. Is this how most of us feel ??

I think of myself as a really good actress, and I must be, to fool the people who trust me to be an adult. If they only knew...

I'm the person who runs through her house 5 mins before the housekeeper comes, desperately trying to hide the fact that I live like a total slob.

I'm the person who makes up detailed stories in her head about a book (that I would love to write and never will) and acts them out in my living room, usually with the song that insipred the scene blaring on my radio or computer speakers. ("Teardrop" by Massive Attack is my new fav, btw.)

I'm the person who would rather stay at home, than go out and deal with the whole "I'm available and so are you" scene. That's why I make myself go out and be sociable.

I'm the person who's been approached twice in recent weeks for no-strings-attached sex. My inner hellion had a little fantasy about one of them, my more rational side said "you jiggle when you walk, at least fuck someone who's not going to laugh at you when you strip".

I'm the person who talks a good game, but can't bring it. I don't know how to flirt!!! My inner hellion evaporated when I had the ex in bed. I was all "lie back and think of England" when he was expecting a partner who actually, you know..... moved ???

I'm trying my best over here, falking it for all I'm worth. Trying to convince myself that I am worthy of love, worthy of being desired by another person.

Worthy of being a functional adult. With my hellion streak and all....

In keeping with this theme; I was called "Ma'm" the other day and spent a good few seconds wondering who they were refering to, before I realised it was Me. I ended up giggling to myself as I drove off with Prodigy's #1's blaring from the speakers of my car.

I mean, I just got a belly piercing!! Is that something that an adult would do ?? Somehow I think not..

...unless they were really cool ;)

Laurell K. Hamilton's - Skin Trade

2009-08-02T14:36:00.000-07:00

I just downloaded this book.
I haven't even opened it yet and I'm cringing.
I used to love the Anita Blake series.
They were about a human living in a monsters world.
It has since changed to the human being the biggest monster.
All the humanity has been sucked out of the character and the books.
I still want to find out what happens, so I'll inflict this crap on myself again.
Once more into the breach my friends..

Once more.

*shudder*

The BEST wedding entrace EVER !!

2009-07-25T11:34:00.000-07:00

This is what you get for dressing in the dark...

2009-07-24T09:47:00.000-07:00

Happy 30lbs lost to meee !!!

2009-07-22T10:28:00.000-07:00

I have been wracking my brain to figure out something, anything, to reward myself with for reaching my mini goal of 200lbs.

I decided against clothes, cause I have 60 odd more pounds to go. Nothing that I fit into now will look good on me in another 2 months.

I am not rewarding myself with food, cause nooo not a good idea, that's what got me into this mess in the first place.

Sooo, tossing in bed last night. I came up with a reward system that appeals to me, cause I'm just weird like that.

My first reward; a belly piercing.

No, my belly is nowhere near being ready to be exposed to the world. I am still hugely fat and oddly deflated/lumpy at the same time.

But this... this is for me. I have wanted this for so long that I honestly forgot about ever wanting it.

I am going to be brave, I am going to just do it.

The piercing guy is going to call me later this afternoon when he gets into the studio.

Wish me luck ;)

ZAP

2009-07-19T06:49:00.000-07:00

Charging around the apartment with the mosquito zapper a few mins ago;

*ZAP*

MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Holy Crap, did I just do an evil scientist laugh ??

Yes, yes I did :)

Friday Fun :)

2009-07-10T12:02:00.001-07:00

A woman asked her grandmother how her grandfather had died. "He had a heart attack while we were making love one Sunday morning," Granny said. Horrified, the granddaughter told her that two people that old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no," said Granny. "Many years ago we realized that ringing church bells provided the perfect rhythm: in on the ding and out on the dong." She paused, wiped away a tear, and continued, "But then the ice-cream truck came along."

Every little thing gonna be all right..

2009-07-06T13:54:00.001-07:00

I sigh as I pull up outside his mothers house.

Remind myself that I'm a better person than this. I will be civil.

He comes out of the house with his usual swagger. I keep my shades on, an unconscious sign telling him, "Beware of Bitch". He hands over another installment of the money he owes my parents, (part of the deal we had made to hand over the land to him as I could not afford it) asks me to count it there on the side of the street. My hopes and dreams boiled down into this clinical exchage. It's obscene. My adrenaline level spikes, I've got the shakes.

My fingers flick as I count, I do it so quickly that my dyslexia taps me upside the head and I have to start over. I huff out a breath and begin again. Clenching the bills so my hands stop shaking. I wonder if he can see it. Will he think that I'm unstable ? Tell my parents that I need psychiatric help again ??

I'm laughing bitterly inside. Depressed, I am not. I am full of so much rage and resentment towards him. Not for the breakup, Christ.

No.

It was this;

" I never felt that we were in a position in this relationship where we could get married."

Causually tossed at me in the later stages of the breakup, those words are what crushed the thinnest tendril of hope that I had that "we" would make it through this. That statement made me realise that there was no "we". There was me and I had to take care of my own business.

That statement is what makes it so difficult for me to speak to him without frothing at the mouth. A piece of me plots to make him hurt as much as he has hurt me. He let me waste my life on him. Twelve goddammed years. We bought a piece of land together. Did he think we were just playing house?

As I fold the bills and toss them into my bag, he smiles at me and tells me "Have a nice day!"

I wiggle my fingers over my shoulder as I turn back to my car, and yell back in my best Valley-Girl accent, "Youuu tooo!"

I catch sight of his expression in the mirror as I drive off and start giggling.

An hour later I'm telling my parents the story and we are laughing so hard I have to run to the bathroom before I have an accident.

As I wash my hands I catch sight of my widely smiling face in the mirror.

If this were a movie the first bars of Bob Marley's "Three little birds" would start to play;

Dont worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin: dont worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Rise up this mornin,
Smiled with the risin sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin, (this is my message to you-ou-ou:)

Singin: dont worry bout a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin: dont worry (dont worry) bout a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Rise up this mornin,
Smiled with the risin sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin, this is my message to you-ou-ou:

Singin: dont worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. dont worry!
Singin: dont worry about a thing - I wont worry!
cause every little thing gonna be all right.

Singin: dont worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right - I wont worry!
Singin: dont worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin: dont worry about a thing, oh no!
cause every little thing gonna be all right!

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!

2009-07-04T11:40:00.000-07:00

After further testing, he's got Hep A.

A much less threatening condition, with a higher transmission rate.

He still looks horrible, but we're all breathing a sigh of relief at the news.

Man plans, God Laughs.

2009-06-30T20:41:00.000-07:00

Hep B tests came back negative for myself and mum, so we both hightailed it over to the local GP to get stuck with the first dose (one of three) of vaccine.

My arm feels like someone worked it over with a 2X4. Mum has no discomfort.

Dad arrived back in Trinidad and looks like one of George Romero's finest.

Poor guy. We tucked him into bed and decamped to the kitchen table, there to smoke many ciggs and plot how we are going to keep his friends away once they realise he's back. (Family has been informed of the actual reason for his return).

Me: We could tell them he picked up cholera !! Epic vomiting and squits, nasty enough to keep them away, plus no Trini would die of cholera !!!

Mum: Errrr, I'm not sure I want the Ministry of Health turning up and quarantining us, thanks.

Me: You're no fun...

A few minutes later...

Me: Swine Flu ?

Mum: I am not wearing a damn mask.

Shows how well my mind works on a steady diet of ciggs and worry at 10 in the bloody evening.

We finally settled on telling whoever wants to know that he's got an as yet un-indentified "Bug".

This "Bug" has given him the gift of jaundice that is quite bloody visible if you know him. He was white, he's now a sickly shade of yellow. This includes the whites of his eyes.

Liver function tests will be done tommorow.

Ahmm ah prayin.

Hepititis B

2009-06-29T11:04:00.000-07:00

My Dad has been diagnosed with Hep B in India.

He works as an airline pilot in India.

I didn't think to tell him to go get vaccinated before he went last year.

We both ate large amounts of oysters out of the same bottle when he came back 3 months ago.

He came home a month ago on leave.

He had dental surgery three weeks ago.

I helped change his bloody pillow cases during his recovery.

My mum is immuno-compromised.

Last week I went back to my OB/GYN to check out an enlarged lymph node in my groin.

Because of its location she sent me for Blood Count/Liver Enzyme tests.

Mum and I both went to get tested for Hep B this afternoon.

Results after 3pm tommorow.

He's trying to catch the first flight home.

What a clusterfuck.

Pray for us.

Edited to say: Did I mention that my mum had no idea what Hep B was ? Or STD's ??? Jeusus H. Roosvelt Christ...try explaining to your dear old mum that she can't kiss or boink her hubby after not seeing him for a month.

Iran's Rage Against the Machine

2009-06-21T15:37:00.000-07:00

I think the whole world is hoping that this ends without significant loss of life...

Ding dong the Psycho's Gone.

2009-05-21T09:57:00.000-07:00

Yeah. I've been a bad, bad blogger.

He's gone and has been since the 19th of Feb. I packed his stuff and dropped it by his mother.

I'm dealing with his stalking now.

I've moved on and am getting dressed up and going out at least once a week.

I'm not looking for anything, just enjoying hanging out with some cool people.

I'm toying with deleting the majority of the posts mentioning that drama and moving on with what's happening now.

We'll see.

2009-03-27T11:20:00.000-07:00

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Low
Lust:	Low
Pride:	Medium

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

Like I didn't know this already...

Done??

2009-02-14T01:15:00.000-08:00

**CAUTION, THIS POST MENTIONS MY SEX LIFE**

After the last confrontation with the BF, I was so furious that I grabbed the pak choi that I had savaged (*gasp*) and went by my close friends again.

When I told them the story, they were aghast, telling me that the fight was not about the pak choi and not about me. It had everything to do with him and what is going on in his head.

I came home and was very short with him that night and the next morning. Finally at about 10am Friday13th, he said, "I didn't push anything last night when you came home and I didn't push anything this morning, but what is your story?"

I said, what happened yesterday is my story, I think you were being completely unreasonable.

He shot back with, well you were being thoughtless and selfish like always.

I replied, well if that is what you think of me, then I think it is time to done.

We went back and forth for some time, with me trying to pull out the real reason for his behaving the way that he did and repeatedly telling him that if he really thinks that I am that selfish/thoughtless/lazy that he should pack up his shit and go. He kept his three year old routine up and kept telling me that "if you really want me to go I will go, but be very sure that is what you want, cause you have no guaruntee that I am coming back." I must have told him to go about 5 times, each time he stalled and continued talking, so I didn't push further, I was getting a dialog going, which was what I wanted. It pissed me off that I had to threaten to put him out to get him to talk, but it was better than sitting there stewing. He repeatedly asked me to come and help him pack his clothes because he didn't want to take one shirt that was mine as he has a strong sense of property and that's why he reacted the way that he did when I said that I had made the wontons. I said no, you behaved like a two year old, tossing something away because someone told you that it was theirs.

He finally decided to tell me that he needs to see me making an effort to be more thoughfull in my daily life and also in our sex life. He had me define what intimacy meant to me and then told me that because I think that foreplay for me is kissing/playing with my boobs/blowing me etc and foreplay for him is me blowing him that I was selfish in bed as well. I was just plain floored, I could not believe what I was hearing, but we were getting it all out in the open and I wanted to continue.

I asked him, look I am not around you for most of my day, how will you know that I am being thoughtfull during the day? He says, oh it will carry over into the little things. I said, but how will you see that, am I to offer you a drink when you come home more often or something ? Give me a concrete real world example that I can tell you about and you will be satisfied. He then rattles off that while I am driving I need to focus on not getting on stink. I said ok, I can try that, What else ? He again repeats, you need to be more thoughtfull.

I allowed how pissed off I was to show and got a little teary. I said, "Babe, I am not going to do things to be thoughtfull and report back to you, that's not why I am doing them." I said, "Look at our friends, they aren't doing so well right now, so most of the time when I go by them, I carry a bag of hops and eats and leave it there, but I don't do it for approval, so I am not going to say a word to you." He says, right, anything else ? Meaning do I do anything else to be thoughtfull on a day to day basis.

I was short with him again and shot back "No."

I wonder if he ever thinks to do something like that in his day to day life ? Why is it that I have to meet his standards ?

At this stage it was midday and he had to leave for work.

I went by my parents and told them about what had transpired. My dad did not want to influence which way I was leaning. He just said that in his opinion, the BF is very controlling and I need to decide if I can live with someone like that for the rest of my life. I said , "No way, I am ready to pelt him out on his ass right now."

He was very concerned that I was making a decision in the heat of the moment, but after I unloaded on him and mum for hours, he saw what I have been dealing with and the mind games that have been going on. His advice was to tell the BF that we are going to couples councelling or pack his bags. I agreed with that. They also agreed that it was his issues that were coming up, not mine.

I came home Friday evening to the BF behaving totally normally, like we hadn't had a conversation about anything earlier in the day. So I behaved totally normal as well. I even messaged my parents, telling them that I was totally baffled at how we could have a heated discussion before he left, and then he's behaving like nothing happened when he comes home? They both told me that it was his mind games again. I told him that I was going into bed just before midnight. He came inside the bedroom at midnight and told me to look under my pillow, where I found a Valentines day card.

It says, "Happy Valentines, you've still got it" handwritten below was," And I still want it."

Wait, What ? After everything that was discussed this morning ?? After I told you to pack your shit and go repeatedly ???

I thanked him and told him Happy Valentines while he gently ragged on me for not getting a card. Getting a card for him was the least of my concerns, does he think that if he pretends hard enough that I will foget telling him to pack his shit and go because I am so fed up ?

I rolled over and went to sleep. I was woken up by him about an hour ago kissing my cheek and trying to start foreplay. I was floored. I ended up just looking at him. Of course he stopped.

After you told me to my face that you weren't interested in being intimate with me unless I SHOWED you that I was being more thoughtfull in my day to day life as well as in bed ?

I have already realised that your standards are so fucking arbitrary that I will never be "good enough" for you....Are you FOR REAL ? Do you honestly think that I am in any way interested in you right now ?

Or did you just expect me to drink more of your Kool-Aid and respond to your advances ? I think you did, and that bothers me so much that here I am writing this down at 5am, (now 6am) before I forget a detail, or how you made me feel like I should be gratefull to you for throwing me a bone.

Notes on "Seeing Red" and "Final Countdown Parts 1 & 2"

2009-02-12T12:50:00.000-08:00

I am very well aware that no one can present two sides of an argument equally. I have my bias, he has his. This is my blog and thus my views. I have tried to recount events as impartially as possible. However, I have little to no insight as to what he is thinking when he says things, thus I am stuck with his words that I re-created here.

I don't want to bash the BF, I can see his points on many issues and he has been a rock in my life for the past decade, motivating me when I couldn't do it alone. I just don't agree with many of his views and a relationship needs compromise on both sides.

I have made MAJOR changes in my life recently. I have taken charge of my health, for which I have gotten NO support from him. He said that the 4 lbs that I lost could be a big poo that I had done before going to the dieticians appointment. Yeah, he's a real charmer when he's ready.

He may have been the one to compromise in the past with our lack of sex drive, but I need even more from him now and he may not be willing/able to give it to me.

I may have thought that changing my Birth Control would be a magic wand and things would be great from then on. Things obviously didn't work out that way.

I am doing alot of soul searching and wondering if I have already given up on this relationship and am just going through the motions.

I am scared of being alone. I am scared about what is to come, if I do end this relationship. I am even more scared that I will go on and pressure him to marry me, (he will NEVER suggest it himself) have kids and then divorce when he doesn't support me.

I don't want to go down that road, but like the magic 8 ball says, "Cannot predict now".

Seeing RED

2009-02-12T12:44:00.000-08:00

I had gone to visit some friends of mine on Monday, (they used to be friendly with the BF as well, but he has put no effort into maintaining the relationship, I am godmother to their 2 year old). I vomited everything going on with my relationship at them.

They said that they are amazed at the changes that they are seeing in me and how much guts I have to be working so hard on improving myself.

They also said that it isn't me, it's him.

Then they asked me where I want to be in another 10 years....

The BF has been picking petty fights with me recently. The most recent was this morning, when he saw that I had taken 2" off of the tops of a pack of pak choi to put in my wonton soup last night. He had apparently been taking out two leaves at a time to put in his soup.

He started waving the pack at me and asking why I did that. I said, look there are two more packs in the fridge, use those, I will use the rest of that pack. What is the big deal ??

He pulls out the one rotten pack of pak choi out of the fridge. It starts dripping everywhere. Says "I am supposed to use THIS ??"

I yell back, "NO you are supposed to use the TWO OTHER GOOD PACKS!!!" while he goes for the mop.

He starts raving about how that is not the point and how I am being inconsiderate and selfish and don't THINK !!!. To which I shot back, "Look I spent hours on Monday doing up those wontons so you could have soup. They're not in my diet, I'm not supposed to eat them. I cheated and had one bowl last night. How the hell is that being inconsiderate and selfish ??"

He then pelts the pack of wontons at me while stomping off and saying, "Well if they're yours I am not eating it!!"

I saw RED.

I picked up the pack of wontons and flung them back at him (narrowly missing) and yelled, "DON'T YOU FUCKING THROW ANYTHING AT ME!!!"

My MO has always been to back down and avoid an argument. I think the new me just isn't into taking on his shit like I used to.

He continues on about how when I did up the wontons and packed them away in the freezer, I didn't bother to pack the pak choi in with them (me being lazy).

It boiled down to me sitting at my computer and him sitting at his, and me replying, "Well if you think that I am such a horrible horrible inconsiderate and selfish person, I am done, I am just done."

I think he said some other things after that, but I am not sure. I tuned him out.

I mean how do you argue with someone like that ? Over 2" of fucking pak choi ? How on God's Green Earth is that important enough to merit an arguement ?

I don't want this shit. If I have kids, I don't want to be having the same kinds of arguments with them as I have with my husband.

I think I drew my line in the sand a while ago, but it didn't register until I had crossed it.

The Final Countdown Part 2

2009-02-12T11:57:00.000-08:00

**** CAUTION THIS POST DESCRIBES MY SEX LIFE****

After the Great OB/GYN visit of Nov '08, I came home and told the BF what she had found, her recommendations and that she had told me to come off of the pill and use the Mirena IUD. He mentioned that we know of two people who had become pregnant on IUD's. I replied that yes, I had mentioned it to her and she had told me that she knows on people who had become pregnant on EVERY SINGLE method of birth control, but that the Mirena had results equivelant to tying your tubes. I also mentioned that it should help improve my sex drive.

Looking back on it now, it was not so much a discussion as me unloading information at him.

He ended up shrugging and telling me to do whatever I wanted to do.

The night before my next OB/GYN appt, I told him that I had decided to install the Mirena/confirm the PCOS diagnosis and that my appointment was the next day, and that I was feeling a bit nervous. He re-assured me that everything would be fine.

I installed the Mirena on the 9th of Jan. When he came home he asked how my appointment had gone. I told him I was a bit crampy, but nothing too bad.

A week later, when I was feeling my oats, I jokingly mentioned getting some nookie soon. He didn't reply.

In the first week of Feb, we started fooling around in the middle of the night. I was ready to roll, but he stopped play. I was a little baffled and asked him why, he replied with, "what would end up happening ?" I said "Sex, babe!" He replied with, "but you aren't on the pill!"

I was gobsmacked and said, "Babe, I put in the Mirena in the first week in Jan! I told you this !"

Apparently he didn't think I had told him. He then decided to analyse why the Mirena wasn't a good choice, mentioning ectopic pregancies and the possibility of death. I again tried to reassure him about why I had chosen it, the risks involved (mostly with it causing prolonged period) and that it had the same results as tying your tubes. I also recommended that he look it up on the Net, just as I had done.

As I was lying there I just kept thinking, you didn't say a word when I was on the pill and smoking for the last 10 years with all the risks of blood clots, and when I had FIRST mentioned the Mirena to you, but you'll get your knickers in a twist about ectopic pregancies NOW ? NOW when we are 99.9% safe AND we are both ready to roll ??? WTF ??

I dropped the conversation, both because it was the middle of the night and also to give him time to think about what we had discussed. We did not talk about it since then.

I was lying in bed on Sunday night when I decided to go and ask him for sex, "Babe, I was wondering when I could get some nookie ?"

He followed me into the bedroom and lies there with arms folded, and tells me again that I have trained him not to want to have sex with me, and asks me what I have done to make him want to have sex with me.

I am lying there, ready to roll again and he says that ?

So I reply, "Well , I have come off of the pill, which is supposed to improve my libido and I have intalled the Mirena, which is safer than the pill, so I don't have this constant worry about having missed pills."

His reply;

"Sooo you don't have to think about it (the pill), but you're also not thinking about making an effort to be intimate. Again, what has changed so that I will want to have sex with you ? What guaruntee do I have that we will have sex now and that you will want to have sex again before the next six months??"

I stupidly told him the truth,"Look I have no guarantees, we haven't had sex now for six months, I don't know if I want to now because it has been that long, or because my libido is improving."

What more did he want ? I mean, coming outside and BLATANTLY ASKING YOU FOR SEX ISN'T ENOUGH ??!!!!

All I could reply was that I had changed my birth control, I also asked, "what do you mean by making an effort to be intimate ?"

He stormed off saying, "I have repeatedly told you over the past few YEARS what making an effort to be intimate meant and didn't take me on. Your only response now is that you have changed your Birth Control?? Until you make an effort to be intimate, I am not interested."

The Final Countdown

2009-02-12T10:37:00.000-08:00

***CAUTION THIS POST MENTIONS MY SEX LIFE***

The BF is my first BF. We have been together for 10 years now.

I had three pregnancy scares in the last few years. The BF has been telling me for years that our lack of sex combined with the pregnancy scares when we do have sex have been training him to not want to have sex with me. After the last scare in Nov '08 I decided that the pill just was not working for me. I went into the Ob/Gyn and my first words to her was, "I have No Libido. I want to have sex maybe 12 hours out of the month. The rest of the time I am just not interested, and if he isn't around during those 12 hours, he is outta luck. I also think I have PCOS (which can also lead to lack of libido)."

Her reply was, "Come off of the pill, that is the biggest cause of lack of libido. I want to look at your ovaries and womb and I want you to research the Mirena IUD and see if you want it. I has hormones that will not interfere with your sex-drive."

Her next question was, "How often do you have sex?" I replied, "Well not in the last three months." She said," Well you know, if the relationship isn't going well, you just wont want to have sex."

I nodded and said, "Well, doc, I'm trying to do something different now, in the hopes that it will help the relationship."

It seems that I made my decision a tad too late.

Exercise is bunk. If you are healthy, you don't need it: if you are sick you should not take it. - Henry Ford

2009-01-30T18:31:00.000-08:00

Well, since last we spoke, this Fat Girl has been walking and walking and dearlordbabyjesusinhismanger SWEATING MY DAMN ASS OFF!!!#$%^$$

Went to my second appointment with the dietician thinking that with all the work that I have done I must have lost at least 10 lbs. Or even 15... Yeah, 15 !!!!

(I'm not allowed to weigh myself cause I'd get "discouraged" remember this, it gets important in a sec)

So there I go bouncing into her office, shoes and socks off blabbing away about how much better my (FAT) jeans are fitting and how the diet isn't that hard. How I am losing fat in my stomach area which has NEVER evaaarrr happened before.

I jump on the scale and look down at the numbers to see:

226.6 lbs

B.M.I : 49.5%

I hop off and hop back on.

Dietician cocks an eyebrow.

"Must be defective", I mutter, repeating my motion uselessly.

Those numbers, they Mock Me.

It took me a few seconds to realise that my Fat Ass had lost a total of 4 freakin lbs.

How I did not freak to fuck out and burst into tears then and there I will never know. I zoned out for a few seconds, but my attention snapped back when I heard, "Oh you are right on track, 2lbs a week is our goal and you are spot on."

I managed to sputter about how much Exercise I had done in the last two weeks, her reply was, "Well yes, you see you've also lost .5% of body fat!!"

Then she SMILED.

I am quietly plotting revenge....

2009-01-10T14:34:00.000-08:00

Wow, I certainly didn't intend to stop blogging for two months, but life caught up with me.

I had my first OB/GYN appointment at age 29 last month. I ended up making the appoitment after some strange things were happening with my cycle. In November and December my period came late and my boobs became tender, of course all ladies know what this means...I was pregnant.

Except I wasn't.

After freaking out both myself and the BF, the 15 zillion tests I bought all came up negative.

The truth, it seems, is even stranger than fiction.

I have been diagonosed with PCOS or poly cystic ovarian syndrome.

This is a truly nasty disease that leads to heart disease, predisposition to diabietes, infertility and a host of other problems.

People who suffer from PCOS often experience painfull/heavy periods, thinning hair, change in hair texture from fine to wiry, un-explained weight gain, lack of libido, greasy scalp/skin, hair on chin or chest and many other hormone related problems.

Doctors aren't sure how PCOS starts, but the ovaries slow ovulating or stop ovulating all together. The eggs still develop, but instead of being released, they remain as cysts inside the ovary. Gradually more and more of the ovary is taken up by these cysts. These cysts all produce male hormones. So instead of the ebb and flow of hormones that all women have seen on the "this is how your period works" chart, the levels of testosterone continue rising, thus impacting on the whole body and not just the ovary.

Thus leading to Insulin Resistance. This means that my body does not use the insulin that it produces very well, which leads to excessive weight gain, especially around the middle.

Mild depression is also often a side effect of this disease for reasons of hormone imbalance and body image issues.

Even with all of these problems, it is nice to have a diagonosis and a plan to move forward with. I explained to the OB/GYN that I wasn't planning on having children for a few more years at least, so she recommended that I use a Mirena IUD instead of the birth control pill.

I installed the Mirena yesterday. I hope that I do not have any side effects from this as it is a relief to not have to remember to take a pill every night. The Mirena is also a progesterone only device so it will control the severity of my period while hopefully not impacting my libido.

In six weeks time I go for a check up to make sure that the Mirena is in the correct position. I will be prescribed a diabeties medication at that time called Glucophage (Metformin). This will manage the high blood glucose levels. Along with diet and excercise this should allow me to lose weight.

I have also been told that I need to get down to 180lbs as a (first) goal. I am currently at 230lbs, my heaviest ever.

When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?' - Don Marquis (1878 - 1937)

2008-11-05T11:17:00.000-08:00

You've never lived until your Boss screams at you, "What's WRONG with YOU !!"

Seriously.

It's part of my job to collect maintainence dues for the developments that I run. Things have been tight recently. Lots of major expenses and income slowed to a bare trickle. This week, the account dipped into the red.

I've been trying to collect dues from members of my Board of Directors and regular owners for the last month. I start slow, just calling them up and letting them know that they are outstanding. I ask them if they want me to mail or e-mail copies of their invoices. Most of them say yes.

I let a few days pass by and call up again and say,

"Just checking to make sure that you received those invoices?

-"Oh, you did ? Great, when can I expect a cheque?"

A few days later I rinse and repeat. I sometimes end up talking to secrataries or owners and sending out more copies of invoices ten or so times before I actually get a cheque in hand. Debt collections is not easy.

This particular Chairman of the Board had promised me a Large Cheque at the end of October. I went ahead and paid bills based on the expectation that I would receive that money at that time. That obviously did not happen. So, I escalated, calling him every other day and leaving messages to the tune of, "Hello Mr. X, this is Z from Company Y, just calling to remind you about your outstanding invoices. Please give me a call at XXX-XXXX."

So, I got a text message on Monday from him, letting me know that he was away and would be dealing with the invoices when he came back.

Ok, no problem.

So I am making calls to other outstanding owners today and come across his name again. Think to myself.."Hmmm, I wonder if he is back yet ?"

So I call his office. I talk to his assistant who assures me that, "Why yes, Mr. X is in the country." ( In a tone of voice to the effect of What is she smoking?)

Being slightly paranoid is like being slightly pregnant - it tends to get worse. Molly Ivins

2008-10-17T08:26:00.000-07:00

Soooo, I've had an issue rolling around the back of my head for the last week.

I think I'm pregnant.

I haven't tested yet, but I am as sure as anyone can be. Today was the latest that I have every gotten my period, so it was still academic before this morning.

I can't decide how to feel about this. It was certainly unplanned and I am not very happy about it.

I have told the BF about the fact that my period is late. This is only because he came home unexpectedly today and found me in the middle of hysterics. Not the best way to tell him that he may/may not be a daddy.

I found myself asking what else life could throw at me this year. It's been a hell of a ride, and it still isn't over.

Edited to say:Just found out I'm not pregnant.

Steven Wright - “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

2008-10-16T16:45:00.000-07:00

Various things have come together in my life to make this year a particular challenge.

We have had random major expenses throughout this year, from both of our cars breaking down, to the BF being hospitalized to my food budget tripling. My dominant emotion this year has been worried, this has caused a ripple effect throughout all facets of my life.

My relationship with my mother suffered. I often describe my mother as a hypochondriac with a chronic disease. What I mean by this is that she does have a disease, but she uses it as a crutch to get attention. If you read through her 4 inch thick medical file, you will find more than a few recommendations for psychiatric evaluation because of this. I don't think that anyone else in my family (even my father) knows this besides the BF and myself. Everyone else gives her the attention she craves and I get described as "cold". When I am under stress I simply cannot deal with her drama, especially since she engages in behaviour that would be described as "self harming". Getting calls at 2am because she thinks shes having a heart attack after yet another drug reaction has seriously undermined my abilty to give a shit.

We started out the year stuck in my parents house with my mother, as we had rented out our apartment and she was supposed to be living abroad with my father for another 2 months. I eventally had to ask our tenant to leave early because tensions between my mother and the BF had gotten to toxic levels. We didn't leave soon enough and my mother ended up picking a fight with the BF that at that stage he was only too happy to finish. Of course this ended in my mother in hysterics and telling me that he wasn't good enough for me. I ended up sitting her down and telling her to act like an adult. She didn't speak to me for quite some time after that.

The Bf and I have had the most serious problems in our relationship this year. There were a few times this year when I was making a minute by minute choice if to stay or go. I don't know if it was the same with him, but I suspect it was.

I don't know which came first, the problems, or the depression, but I have found myself wrestling with mild depression again, for the first time in a decade. I remember these feelings, these toxic thoughts. I was never bad enough to be medicated, but it is a constant fight. I find myself obsessing over my mental health (Am I slow today because I didn't sleep well? Am I sad because of that story I read, or is this abnormal ?) and pushing everything else to the side, which means that the depression wins. My jobs, my love life, everything suffers. I haven't discussed my depression with the BF at all. I don't want him to compare (even in his head) the paralells between my mother and myself. That would just break my heart.

I know that the depression has been able to gain a foothold because my self-esteem and self image has been dealt a blow. I quit smoking two months ago and have packed another 20 lbs onto an already obese frame. I can no longer pretend that I am anything other than disgustingly fat. And yet, I can't stop shoving crap in my mouth constantly. To say that I have an "addictive personality" is a joke. I am the definition of addictive personality, I've just traded ciggarettes for a wildly innappropraite diet.

Still, there is light at the end of this particular tunnel. I am gradually applying what little control I do have onto myself. I am slooooowly learning to cook, instead of buying take out every damn day. I have cut my coca-cola drinking to 20 oz a day instead of the 2 litres I was up to.

Baby steps, but damn it, that's about all that I am capable of right now.

George Bernard Shaw - “To the person with a toothache, even if the world is tottering, there is nothing more important than a visit to a dentist.”

2008-10-08T14:40:00.000-07:00

I managed to (eventually) find my composure after my semi-hysterical post yesterday. Only to lose it again today, when the filling fell out. Yes, the same filling. So here's what's going to happen. I am going to do whatever it takes to last until my dentist comes back on the 22nd of October. Wish me luck.

Cause I really need some dental love.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. - Johnny Carson

2008-10-07T11:55:00.000-07:00

I have a wonderful dentist.

He is gentle, personable and always looks out for my comfort. Little things, like bringing the chair back up when he is talking to me, so that I am not blinded by that bright light.

Why this love-fest for my dentist ?

Cause he went on holiday, I developed toothache and was referred by his office to the DENTIST FROM HELLLLLLLLL.

I swear to god, I have never felt so small as when I was in this mans chair. I think a piece of meat would have been treated better. His manner was so arrogant and uncaring.

I shit you not, I am BLEEDING.

How the hell does a filling turn into me bleeding from the corner of my mouth and the filling site ?

It hurts worse now than when I had the damn toothache that prompted me to go to the dentist.

Edit: It's four hours later and I have just had to break out the good stuff..... i luuuv Panadeine Forte so muuuuch.

The Palinator..

2008-09-04T18:44:00.000-07:00

I've been following the run up to the U.S elections with great interest for a while now. I, like most of the world, am curious to discover what the people who chose 8 years with that idiot are going to do now that they can't re-elect him.

Based on the issues, I support Obama, (again,along with the rest of the world).

The issues, though, only tell part of the story. I find myself becoming more and more a fan of Obama. I find him and his wife compelling speakers and I am interested in seeing what they would do to the White House, policywise.

His world trip a few months ago was so fresh and original a move that I was left speechless. He managed to accomplish dialog with persons and nations that had previously turned away from the U.S in utter disgust at their foreign policy.

McCain carries absolutely no appeal for me. He is increasingly annoying the shit out of me by repeatedly referring to Obama as elitist.

That's damn rich coming from a guy who can't remember how many houses he owns and thinks that if you have $5Million in the bank you are wealthy.

Buddy, I hate to break it to you, but most of the people in that country that you want to run ?

They make a lot less than that.

A lot.

The thing that most bothers me though, is McCains VP pick. Palin disturbs me on so many levels that if I were a resident of the States, I would be prompted to volunteer for Obamas campaign and donate all my money just so that she would not come within striking distance of the White House.

The one issue (among many) that would prompt me to do this ?

Palin opposes abortion under any circumstances. She has stated that she will work towards a federal ban on abortion.

If you are raped ?

If you are a victim of incest ?

If your life was in danger because of the pregnancy ?

Sorry, but you would have to carry that child to term.

And suddenly, we are back to the days of back alley abortions and a shroud of secrecy over the whole process. Misinformation and doubt will rule...oh wait, you guys already have that in your "abstinence only" programs that have been shown, repeatedly, to be a failure.

Palin is the new head of a dangerous trend in the US of making policy based on reilgon. Separation of Church and State does not exist to these people and they think that their morality should be imposed on everyone. (Seeing as how the U.S is the de-facto leader on this side of the globe, this means that U.S policy has a HUGE reigonal impact.) Bush junior started it by slashing US funding to Family Planning organizations operating in the third world, cause guess what, they handed out condoms and performed abortions.

I simply cannot understand why any woman would vote for her. While I personally would not have an abortion, I will defend to the death your right to have one.

It is our right to have that choice.

It scares me SHITLESS that if McCain were elected and died in office, that this woman would be President.

I need to go have a drink now....

Can I take that back ?

2008-08-12T14:50:00.000-07:00

So I went and got a print out of my Linx transactions and took it in, but didn't need it, cause TSTT had all the records showing that my bill had been paid twice.

Sorry for bad-mouthing you TSTT, you didn't deserve it (this time)

I was soo ready to get on stink with someone.

Fyah Bun TSTT

2008-08-11T15:40:00.001-07:00

Last month, after not getting a cell phone bill for three months (Thanks TTPOST you assholes), I got an automated message from TSTT letting me know that I was badly overdue to pay my cell phone bill to the tune of $800.

No big, I knew the bill was going to be high and like I said I hadn't gotten a bill for 3 months, so I was actually owing for 4 months.

So I went in to their West Mall B-Mobile branch. I lined up for 45 mins. I dealt with the bitchy CSR who "just knew" that I was going to end up paying two phone bills while I was infront of her. OHMYGAAAAWD you mean I have to type a little bit more on my little keyboard, TEH HAWWRAARRR!!!

Anyways, I digress.

My mum just called. She happened to be paying her phone bill and decided to be helpful and pay off mine as well, to the tune of $800.

Yep, my account said that I still owed the $800, which I find hilarious because if I did, I would have been disconnected looooong before now.

The best part ?

I don't have the receipt for the first payment that I made. I've just searched the whole house and practically ripped the carpet out of the car looking for the teeny little linx paper, cause like I said, I had no bill.

The ONE time that I did not file a receipt immediately and look what happens.

I am sooo pissed.

Fyah Bun TSTT.

You Fuckers.

Me + Sharp Object = A Whole Lotta Pain

2008-08-01T18:39:00.000-07:00

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for...

2008-07-21T05:56:00.001-07:00

MUPPETS

This one had me rolling;

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck - George Carlin (1937 - 2008)

2008-06-23T08:38:00.000-07:00

Shit

Piss

Fuck

Motherfucker

Cocksucker

Cunt

Tits

Bye George!

Give em HELL !!

I've never known any trouble that an hour's reading didn't assuage. - Charles De Secondat

2008-06-20T13:53:00.000-07:00

I read alot.

No, really.

ALOT.

Reading started for me, practically from birth. My grandmother would sit me in her lap every afternoon and when she wasn't reading one of my books, she would tell tall tales about what had happened to her that day. I marvel at her patience and her amazing imagination. I think she had cultivated both raising her family during World War 2 in England. No television and three small children must have drove her crazy, so she told stories. Epic tales of How the Little White Mouse found Food, Peter the Canary and the Mirror.

My mother used to fall asleep reading every night as I begged for another chapter. Please!! I think she breathed a sigh of relief when I learned to read for myself. I grew up with Enid Blyton, the Fantastic Five, Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys. Tucked in my bed with my glass of water on the side table I would sneak chapters long after bedtime.

When I outgrew those, I moved on to C. S. Lewis. I think this is where my love for a "different" kind of tale comes from. Any religious tones were lost on me; but I loved the action, the talking animals and most of all the quality of writing.

During my early teens there were very few Young Adult themed books available, and those that were, I DETESTED. Sweet Valley High and Judy Blume were among the worst. Thankfully I grew up and managed to get my hands on Mills & Boons.

Those romances kept me interested in reading. Many of them had interesting story lines and kept my attention for the span of the book. Sandra Brown was my saviour during my angsty teen years.

When I was 19 I met the BF. He also loved reading but was totally unimpressed by my shelves of romance novels. He gave me my first Pratchett novel. I migrated from Romancelandia and became a solid citizen of Discworld that summer.

Whether I laugh or cry or grimace when my hero is hurt, a good story is a good story. My reading list these days is all over the board. Here are a few of the series I am following;

Anne Bishop - Dark Jewels/Ephemera - Very well written dark fantasy/romance.

Kristen Britain - Green Rider - Reads like a light version of Mercedes Lackey's Arrows for the Queen. Girl goes on quest, outwits the bad guys (no sex).

Jim Butcher- Dresden Files - Dresden is listed in the Phone book, under Wizard. Everyone thinks he's a joke, even the bad guys. (Little/no sex)

Jacqueline Carey - Kushiel - Lots of sex/violence, kept me wanting to find out what happens next.

Charlaine Harris - Southern Vampire/Harper Connelly- The harper Connelly series is among my favs right now. Girl was hit by lightning, can now find dead bodies/how they died.

E.E. Knight - Vampire Earth - Humans are literally farmed for the vampire overlords, guerrilla warfare ensues. Detailed storyline that drags you along on the missions.

George R.R. Martin - A Song of Ice and Fire - Alternative historical World Building at its finest. Story is told from the POV of a rotating cast. Murder/betrayal/magic it's all here. (Little/no sex)

Simon R. Green - Nightside- the nightside is just down that alley and around the way, twisted modern fairytales. (Little/no sex)

Greg Keyes - Kingdom of Thorn and Bone - World building/character building in an epic alternative historical that will have you rooting for your fav. character. (Little/no Sex)

Laurell K. Hamilton - Anita Blake Vampire Hunter - Books 1-10 in this series are among my all time favs,with lots of well written sex/violence scenes. After #10 ABVH takes a sharp turn into Anti Blake Vampire Boinker. Read 1-10 and just pretend that there aren't any more books after that.

Kim Harrison - Hollows - The first book starts off cheesy, but keep reading! Modern witch with modern problems including a demon that she owes a favour.

J. R. Ward - Black Dagger Brotherhood - Total Romance. Yes, the names are TOTAL CHEESE, but stop rolling your eyes and keep reading. I'm pretty certain that J.R Ward is a pseudonym as no one comes out the gates with such a well written first novel.

JD Robb -Dallas - Nora Roberts pseudonym. Set in the gritty future, Eve Dallas is a homicide cop with an awful past. Each novel is a new murder mystery, the romance spans the series.

Karen Traviss - Wess'har Wars - Humans set off to colonize world. Aliens are already there. A human environmental cop has to balance the species.

Elizabeth Moon - Vatta's War - Doing business across galaxies can be deadly. (no sex)

I hope that any future readers of this blog might pick up a book in my list and maybe enjoy it :)

Health is not valued till sickness comes.- Dr. Thomas Fuller

2008-06-04T18:27:00.000-07:00

Many, many blog-worthy things have happened since my last post.

Unfortunately, I was too busy dealing with them to blog about them.

1) The BF ended up having to be re-admitted to the ER three days after we had left. His gallbladder has taken the blame for this. A week, Shit loads of antibiotics and my firstborn child later, we escaped the hospital.

2) I have started smoking again. See above for the reason why.

3) The BF is now on a no Oil, Milk or Dairy Diet.

We're drinking Soy Milk, people. Soy. Milk.

Bleh.

4) The major causes of gallbladder disease are; heavy drinking and high cholesterol. The BF has low cholesterol and drinks once in a blue moon. This caused his doctor to comment that he may have a genetic enzyme deficiency.

WTF ? Whuuuuuuut???

Wouldn't this have come up before ohhh saaaay the LAST 31 FUCKING YEARS THAT HE'S BEEN ALIVE ???

Needless to say, we are seeking a second opinion.

I think I should have the option of skipping the rest of this year, don't you ?

May you live in interesting times - Chinese curse

2008-05-17T17:19:00.000-07:00

I came home from visiting friends last night at about 8pm to find that the BF was having stomach "issues". The kind of issues that required me to take him to the ER (finally) at about 1am this morning. He was GREY and writhing in pain, I knew that he had to go, it was just a matter of waiting until HE realised it.
We have no health insurance and our Visa debit card only allows withdrawals/purchases up to $3,000 a day. We had walked with $1,000 in cash which was quickly sucked up by the Stomach X-Rays and blood tests in the ER.
The blood tests came back with an elevated pancreatic enzyme, so they wanted to admit him.
We had to call his mother to come and pay the $8,500 deposit required by the clinic for admittance. Thanks Aunty !
An IV drip, 2 doses of Zantac, Gravol and Boralgin (sp?) later and he was still hurting bad. By that stage he had been retching so much that everything was tinged with blood, he had burst some tiny vessels in the whites of his eyes and was asking me to put him out of his misery.
It wasn't until about 2:30am when they finally relented and gave him a shot of Demerol that he got relief.
I hung around until he told me to go home at about 3am this morning.
He was re-tested at 7:30 this morning, the levels came back normal and he was allowed to come home at midday.
All in all, it could have been allot worse, I am very grateful that the Great Food Poisoning Episode of 2008 only came up to $3,800 and we can pay back his mother immediately.
I will be looking into Health Insurance on Monday.

On another note I weighed 216 lbs this morning. I have not exercised since the Billy Blanks debacle a few days ago and I ate a whole loaf of fresh baked bread that I did after my stove was fixed.

Joy !

A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise - Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne

2008-05-16T06:13:00.000-07:00

The hose that connects my LPG cylinder to my stove cracked yesterday. A replacement hose couldn't be found until this morning. So I used that as an excuse to go out, buy and eat 2 doubles for breakfast and a 3 piece snack pack of fried chicken for dinner last night.

Yay Me!

This isn't the end of the world. It just means that I am going to watch what I eat very closely for the next few days.

I'm also going to increase my workouts.
Ugh.

I am already a trembling mess after trying to follow fucking Billy Blanks and his disgustingly fit lady friends on the "Ultimate Boot Camp, Abs" DVD last night.

Dude, here's a HINT. The people who buy your DVD's are. not. fit.

They would like to be, thus they purchase your DVD's to follow your tight ass as you bounce through various contortions like Stretch Armstrong on CRACK.
Mr. Blanks, you asking the audience if they would like to do push-ups made me laugh as I couldn't get my fat ass off the floor after 15 mins of attempting to make my body do bad things to itself.

Anyone want a slightly used Billy Blanks exercise DVD and exercise mat ?

My weight this morning was 216.5lbs.

I was so convinced that the scale was wrong that I had the BF hop on. The good news is that the scale is correct. The Bad News... I'm 5lbs heavier than the BF.

SHIT.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease - R. D. Laing

2008-05-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

I decided that I would stick with famous quotes as titles. I promptly found the most ironic and sarcastic quotes ever uttered or written. You'll be seeing quite a lot of them in the future.

Heh.

I weighed myself this morning, just out of curiosity.

217lbs.

Huh?

How in the hell did I lose a half pound in a day ?
I drank craploads of water, had a full meal for lunch and a sandwich for dinner, with a huge bowl of salad in between. The only thing I did differently was walk for 20 mins on the treadmill yesterday. Did I really sweat off 1/2 a lb ?

I knew I was sweating alot, but daaaaaamn.

I'm sure I'm going to look back at this and laugh when I am struggling to maintain a healthy weight, but right now with a B.M.I of 38.4%, I am torn between being shocked/pleased.

On another note, since thyroid "issues" run in my family, I have decided that I am going to have my thyroid levels checked tomorrow.
My hair has been thinning for a while now, with my individual hair shafts also thinning. I don't have any other symptoms, but the hand fulls of hair that fall out all over the place every damn day are getting to me (the sight of scalp where once grew hair is also deeply disturbing).
I would like to be able to have my hair down without it turning into a major frizz ball. The rate of growth is also annoying, I've been trying to grow out this particular cut for what seems like years now.
I don't know if to hope that they find something, or if to hope that the levels are normal and my hair is just having a bad year.

*sigh*

Ah gorrrn.

Every journey begins with a single step.

2008-05-13T14:40:00.000-07:00

I've always wanted to use that quote somewhere :)

I am hoping to change my life and my lifestyle.

I quit smoking 9 days ago on Friday 2nd May 2008.
Prior to this I was smoking between 2-3 packs per day. Quitting has been amazingly easy and unbelieveably hard to accomplish at the same time.
I quit cold turkey. I ran out of ciggs on a friday night and just said, "Fuckit, I'm done."
Some days I breeze through, other times every goddammed second seems to last an eternity and all I want to do is pick up my car keys and drive to the grocery or gas station so I can get a fucking SMOKE.
I have not had a ciggarette in 9 days, I am very proud of myself.

I honestly didn't know that I would be able to accomplish this.

I weighed 220lbs on the 2nd May 2008. This was the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I was drinking a whole 2 litre Coca-Cola by myself every day.

As of today, Tuesday 13th May 2008, I am 217.5 lbs. I am very well aware that I will never reach my supposed "goal" weight of 140lbs and I am fine with that.
I have no goal weight in mind. I just want to be healthier.

I want to be able to buy clothes that I look good in, not just whatever can fit.

I think that's going to be it for my first post. I just wanted to get that off of my chest and out there into the wilds of the internet.

See ya round.