Saturday, February 14, 2009

Done??

**CAUTION, THIS POST MENTIONS MY SEX LIFE**

After the last confrontation with the BF, I was so furious that I grabbed the pak choi that I had savaged (*gasp*) and went by my close friends again.

When I told them the story, they were aghast, telling me that the fight was not about the pak choi and not about me. It had everything to do with him and what is going on in his head.

I came home and was very short with him that night and the next morning. Finally at about 10am Friday13th, he said, "I didn't push anything last night when you came home and I didn't push anything this morning, but what is your story?"

I said, what happened yesterday is my story, I think you were being completely unreasonable. 

He shot back with, well you were being thoughtless  and selfish like always.

I replied, well if that is what you think of me, then I think it is time to done.

We went back and forth for some time, with me trying to pull out the real reason for his behaving the way that he did and repeatedly telling him that if he really thinks that I am that selfish/thoughtless/lazy that he should pack up his shit and go. He kept his three year old routine up and kept telling me that "if you really want me to go I will go, but be very sure that is what you want, cause you have no guaruntee that I am coming back." I must have told him to go about 5 times, each time he stalled and continued talking, so I didn't push further, I was getting a dialog going, which was what I wanted. It pissed me off that I had to threaten to put him out to get him to talk, but it was better than sitting there stewing. He repeatedly asked me to come and help him pack his clothes because he didn't want to take one shirt that was mine as he has a strong sense of property and that's why he reacted the way that he did when I said that I had made the wontons. I said no, you behaved like a two year old, tossing something away because someone told you that it was theirs.

He finally decided to tell me that he needs to see me making an effort to be more thoughfull in my daily life and also in our sex life. He had me define what intimacy meant to me and then told me that because I think that foreplay for me is kissing/playing with my boobs/blowing me etc and foreplay for him is me blowing him that I was selfish in bed as well. I was just plain floored, I could not believe what I was hearing, but we were getting it all out in the open and I wanted to continue.

I asked him, look I am not around you for most of my day, how will you know that I am being thoughtfull during the day? He says, oh it will carry over into the little things. I said, but how will you see that, am I to offer you a drink when you come home more often or something ? Give me a concrete real world example that I can tell you about and you will be satisfied. He then rattles off that while I am driving I need to focus on not getting on stink. I said ok, I can try that, What else ? He again repeats, you need to be more thoughtfull.

I allowed how pissed off I was to show and got a little teary. I said, "Babe, I am not going to do things to be thoughtfull and report back to you, that's not why I am doing them." I said, "Look at our friends, they aren't doing so well right now, so most of the time when I go by them, I carry a bag of hops and eats and leave it there, but I don't do it for approval, so I am not going to say a word to you." He says, right, anything else ? Meaning do I do anything else to be thoughtfull on a day to day basis.

I was short with him again and shot back "No."

I wonder if he ever thinks to do something like that in his day to day life ? Why is it that I have to meet his standards ?

At this stage it was midday and he had to leave for work.

I went by my parents and told them about what had transpired. My dad did not want to influence which way I was leaning. He just said that in his opinion, the BF is very controlling and I need to decide if I can live with someone like that for the rest of my life. I said , "No way, I am ready to pelt him out on his ass right now."

He was very concerned that I was making a decision in the heat of the moment, but after I unloaded on him and mum for hours, he saw what I have been dealing with and the mind games that have been going on. His advice was to tell the BF that we are going to couples councelling or pack his bags. I agreed with that. They also agreed that it was his issues that were coming up, not mine.

I came home Friday evening to the BF behaving totally normally, like we hadn't had a conversation about anything earlier in the day. So I behaved totally normal as well. I even messaged my parents, telling them that I was totally baffled at how we could have a heated discussion before he left, and then he's behaving like nothing happened when he comes home? They both told me that it was his mind games again. I told him that I was going into bed just before midnight. He came inside the bedroom at midnight and told me to look under my pillow, where I found a Valentines day card. 

It says, "Happy Valentines, you've still got it" handwritten below was," And I still want it."

Wait, What ? After everything that was discussed this morning ?? After I told you to pack your shit and go repeatedly ???

I thanked him and told him Happy Valentines while he gently ragged on me for not getting a card. Getting a card for him was the least of my concerns, does he think that if he pretends hard enough that I will foget telling him to pack his shit and go because I am so fed up ? 

I rolled over and went to sleep. I was woken up by him about an hour ago kissing my cheek and trying to start foreplay. I was floored. I ended up just looking at him. Of course he stopped. 

After you told me to my face that you weren't interested in being intimate with me unless I SHOWED you that I was being more thoughtfull in my day to day life as well as in bed ?

I have already realised that your standards are so fucking arbitrary that I will never be "good enough" for you....Are you FOR REAL ? Do you honestly think that I am in any way interested in you right now ?

Or did you just expect me to drink more of your Kool-Aid and respond to your advances ? I think you did, and that bothers me so much that here I am writing this down at 5am, (now 6am) before I forget a detail, or how you made me feel like I should be gratefull to you for throwing me a bone.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Notes on "Seeing Red" and "Final Countdown Parts 1 & 2"

I am very well aware that no one can present two sides of an argument equally. I have my bias, he has his. This is my blog and thus my views. I have tried to recount events as impartially as possible. However, I have little to no insight as to what he is thinking when he says things, thus I am stuck with his words that I re-created here.

I don't want to bash the BF, I can see his points on many issues and he has been a rock in my life for the past decade, motivating me when I couldn't do it alone. I just don't agree with many of his views and a relationship needs compromise on both sides.

I have made MAJOR changes in my life recently. I have taken charge of my health, for which I have gotten NO support from him. He said that the 4 lbs that I lost could be a big poo that I had done before going to the dieticians appointment. Yeah, he's a real charmer when he's ready.

He may have been the one to compromise in the past with our lack of sex drive, but I need even more from him now and he may not be willing/able to give it to me. 

I may have thought that changing my Birth Control would be a magic wand and things would be great from then on. Things obviously didn't work out that way. 

I am doing alot of soul searching and wondering if I have already given up on this relationship and am just going through the motions.

I am scared of being alone. I am scared about what is to come, if I do end this relationship. I am even more scared that I will go on and pressure him to marry me, (he will NEVER suggest it himself) have kids and then divorce when he doesn't support me.

I don't want to go down that road, but like the magic 8 ball says, "Cannot predict now".

Seeing RED

I had gone to visit some friends of mine on Monday, (they used to be friendly with the BF as well, but he has put no effort into maintaining the relationship, I am godmother to their 2 year old). I vomited everything going on with my relationship at them. 

They said that they are amazed at the changes that they are seeing in me and how much guts I have to be working so hard on improving myself. 

They also said that it isn't me, it's him. 

Then they asked me where I want to be in another 10 years....

The BF has been picking petty fights with me recently. The most recent was this morning, when he saw that I had taken 2" off of the tops of a pack of pak choi to put in my wonton soup last night. He had apparently been taking out two leaves at a time to put in his soup. 

He started waving the pack at me and asking why I did that. I said, look there are two more packs in the fridge, use those, I will use the rest of that pack. What is the big deal ??

He pulls out the one rotten pack of pak choi out of the fridge. It starts dripping everywhere. Says "I am supposed to use THIS ??"

I yell back, "NO you are supposed to use the TWO OTHER GOOD PACKS!!!" while he goes for the mop.

He starts raving about how that is not the point and how I am being inconsiderate and selfish and don't THINK !!!. To which I shot back, "Look I spent hours on Monday doing up those wontons so you could have soup. They're not in my diet, I'm not supposed to eat them. I cheated and had one bowl last night. How the hell is that being inconsiderate and selfish ??"

He then pelts the pack of wontons at me while stomping off and saying, "Well if they're yours I am not eating it!!"

I saw RED.

I picked up the pack of wontons and flung them back at him (narrowly missing) and yelled, "DON'T YOU FUCKING THROW ANYTHING AT ME!!!"

My MO has always been to back down and avoid an argument. I think the new me just isn't into taking on his shit like I used to. 

He continues on about how when I did up the wontons and packed them away in the freezer, I didn't bother to pack the pak choi in with them (me being lazy). 

It boiled down to me sitting at my computer and him sitting at his, and me replying, "Well if you think that I am such a horrible horrible inconsiderate and selfish person, I am done, I am just done."

I think he said some other things after that, but I am not sure. I tuned him out. 

I mean how do you argue with someone like that ? Over 2" of fucking pak choi ? How on God's Green Earth is that important enough to merit an arguement ?

I don't want this shit. If I have kids, I don't want to be having the same kinds of arguments with them as I have with my husband.

I think I drew my line in the sand a while ago, but it didn't register until I had crossed it.

The Final Countdown Part 2

**** CAUTION THIS POST DESCRIBES MY SEX LIFE****

 After the Great OB/GYN visit of Nov '08, I came home and told the BF what she had found, her recommendations and that she had told me to come off of the pill and use the Mirena IUD. He mentioned that we know of two people who had become pregnant on IUD's. I replied that yes, I had mentioned it to her and she had told me that she knows on people who had become pregnant on EVERY SINGLE method of birth control, but that the Mirena had results equivelant to tying your tubes. I also mentioned that it should help improve my sex drive.

Looking back on it now, it was not so much a discussion as me unloading information at him.

He ended up shrugging and telling me to do whatever I wanted to do. 

The night before my next OB/GYN appt, I told him that I had decided to install the Mirena/confirm the PCOS diagnosis and that my appointment was the next day, and that I was feeling a bit nervous. He re-assured me that everything would be fine.

I installed the Mirena on the 9th of Jan. When he came home he asked how my appointment had gone. I told him I was a bit crampy, but nothing too bad.

A week later, when I was feeling my oats, I jokingly mentioned getting some nookie soon. He didn't reply.

In the first week of Feb, we started fooling around in the middle of the night. I was ready to roll, but he stopped play. I was a little baffled and asked him why, he replied with, "what would end up happening ?" I said "Sex, babe!" He replied with, "but you aren't on the pill!"

I was gobsmacked and said, "Babe, I put in the Mirena in the first week in Jan! I told you this !"

Apparently he didn't think I had told him. He then decided to analyse why the Mirena wasn't a good choice, mentioning ectopic pregancies and the possibility of death. I again tried to reassure him about why I had chosen it, the risks involved (mostly with it causing prolonged period) and that it had the same results as tying your tubes. I also recommended that he look it up on the Net, just as I had done.

As I was lying there I just kept thinking, you didn't say a word when I was on the pill and smoking for the last 10 years with all the risks of blood clots, and when I had FIRST mentioned the Mirena to you, but you'll get your knickers in a twist about ectopic pregancies NOW ? NOW when we are 99.9% safe AND we are both ready to roll ??? WTF ??

I dropped the conversation, both because it was the middle of the night and also to give him time to think about what we had discussed. We did not talk about it since then.

I was lying in bed on Sunday night when I decided to go and ask him for sex, "Babe, I was wondering when I could get some nookie ?"

He followed me into the bedroom and lies there with arms folded, and tells me again that I have trained him not to want to have sex with me, and asks me what I have done to make him want to have sex with me.

I am lying there, ready to roll again and he says that ?

So I reply, "Well , I have come off of the pill, which is supposed to improve my libido and I have intalled the Mirena, which is safer than the pill, so I don't have this constant worry about having missed pills."

His reply;

"Sooo you don't have to think about it (the pill), but you're also not thinking about making an effort to be intimate. Again, what has changed so that I will want to have sex with you ? What guaruntee do I have that we will have sex now and that you will want to have sex again before the next six months??"

I stupidly told him the truth,"Look I have no guarantees, we haven't had sex now for six months, I don't know if I want to now because it has been that long, or because my libido is improving."

 What more did he want ? I mean, coming outside and BLATANTLY ASKING YOU FOR SEX ISN'T ENOUGH ??!!!!

All I could reply was that I had changed my birth control, I also asked, "what do you mean by making an effort to be intimate ?"

He stormed off saying, "I have repeatedly told you over the past few YEARS what making an effort to be intimate meant and didn't take me on. Your only response now is that you have changed your Birth Control?? Until you make an effort to be intimate, I am not interested."

The Final Countdown

***CAUTION THIS POST MENTIONS MY SEX LIFE***

The BF is my first BF. We have been together for 10 years now. 

I had three pregnancy scares in the last few years. The BF has been telling me for years that our lack of sex combined with the pregnancy scares when we do have sex have been training him to not want to have sex with me. After the last scare in Nov '08 I decided that the pill just was not working for me. I went into the Ob/Gyn and my first words to her was, "I have No Libido. I want to have sex maybe 12 hours out of the month. The rest of the time I am just not interested, and if he isn't around during those 12 hours, he is outta luck. I also think I have PCOS (which can also lead to lack of libido)." 

Her reply was, "Come off of the pill, that is the biggest cause of lack of libido. I want to look at your ovaries and womb and I want you to research the Mirena IUD and see if you want it. I has hormones that will not interfere with your sex-drive."

Her next question was, "How often do you have sex?" I replied, "Well not in the last three months." She said," Well you know, if the relationship isn't going well, you just wont want to have sex." 

I nodded and said, "Well, doc, I'm trying to do something different now, in the hopes that it will help the relationship."

It seems that I made my decision a tad too late.